Many women won’t be writing sweet posts on social media this upcoming Father’s Day. Because we didn’t grow up as daddy’s kids. Although her biological father paid child support and picked her up for visits, consistent emotional support and presence came from her maternal village. My father wasn’t a terrible person, but like many elders, he suffered from trauma that never healed. We are currently estranged and haven’t spoken in the past two years. Learning at this age that parents are first and foremost human beings has helped me accept my father’s inability to be fully present for me, and to be a good father to my children. It also explains why I am so thankful for her husband, Ben. He is a protective presence, caring, consistent, reliable, wise and responsible.
We are still learning and doing our best as we navigate this beautiful battle of parenting a 19-year-old hybrid adult and a 12-year-old tween. I am humbled by her husband’s perseverance and what I learn from him every day. Here are some lessons on how it helps me become a better mother.
Once it’s done, it’s over
I’m a proud mama bear who has learned that my way of dealing with things is not the only way, and sometimes not the best way. I often have to check myself, sit somewhere and let him do it his way. Whether it’s frying lobster tails in the stockpot or taking scenic routes in the car, it’s not the way I do things, but we still eat and my son gets to school on time. It takes intentional work to control my control freak, but as my kids grow up, it becomes easier to let go of the boring details of who, what, when, why, where, and how. Our family is much more harmonious. Leaving things to my dad is my new form of self-care.
BlackLove.com Related articles:
Father Noir: Space for Black Fatherhood
I learned to love my imprisoned father by writing him a letter that I would never see again.
Keir Gaines talks fatherhood, mental health, and building community
Supporting characters often take the lead.
Ben’s supportive role often leads us to take the lead with our children, and especially as they grow, he has taught me that I am not the only one who can meet their needs. There were moments when I was pushing myself too hard and he taught me that it was okay to rest. He’s okay if he doesn’t have an answer. He is okay with me chasing my dreams and goals. It’s okay because he can handle this madness with the calmness and diplomacy that I don’t have. He’s committed to doing what’s best for our family, so we’ll be fine. The moment he says, “I took care of it,” is a peace that money can’t buy.
Mothers are not the authority to raise children
When children are conditioned to come to us only for comfort and guidance, mothers often do more work for themselves. Because women are perceived as the originators of child-rearing, we forget that men are also fully capable of child-rearing, and that it is not innate in all mothers. I nurture them with hugs, kisses, and soothing words that sometimes end up being sweet. Ben taught us that challenging children to be better is a different but necessary form of nurturing.
Suppress emotions
For me, parenting is a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I get chills. Most have none. This is one of the biggest areas where Ben’s relaxed alpha male demeanor keeps me sane. Although he has his moments of vulnerability, his Capricorn energy brings a seriousness that is essential to raising black children in America. Despite the Mars vs. Venus conflict, he helped me identify the right time and place for my emotions. When he’s stoic yet compassionate during difficult discussions and awkward moments, it’s sexy
Have the courage to admit when you fail
It’s okay for our kids to know that we’re not perfect, that we don’t know everything, and that we sometimes make mistakes. To prepare our children for this strange world, we need to recognize that we can all make mistakes and that people sometimes fall short of our expectations. Even though it takes a huge sacrifice for Ben to lead our family, he still shows accountability (usually) when he makes a mistake. He also taught us that our flaws do not define us and that change is possible after countless trials and errors. Although he is stubborn, he apologizes with his words and actions.
Perseverance leads to progress
When Ben was hospitalized with a stroke, he was in graphic design school and I remember asking me to bring him his laptop so he could work on his assignments. He was always keen to teach children by his personal example that there are no excuses for success. Our daughter, Sydney, is entering her third year at Spelman College and she is literally her boss’ babe when it comes to handling her own business. Our son, Diren, still needs to be reminded to comb his hair in the morning, but he is focused on improving his own game when it comes to playing basketball. He recently told Ben that one bad game doesn’t mean the end of your playing career, it’s an opportunity to play better next time. The maturity of his response proves that the lessons from Daddy about holding on to past obstacles are finally starting to take hold.
As Father’s Day approaches, I am reminded of why I chose to marry Ben and raise our family, and more. He has many traits similar to my maternal grandfather, and he was more like a daddy/dad to me than my biological father. Life is full of uncertainties, but a husband’s love for his children cannot be broken or denied.
