Written by Anissa Durham
word in black
This story is part of “.Love Don’t Live Here” Word In Black’s series about how domestic violence affects our communities and what we can do about it. Trigger warning: These stories contain references to domestic violence and abuse.
Christy White worked as an immigration lawyer because she wanted to help people. However, she realized that she had no choice but to save herself, so she quit.
“I became a lawyer because of domestic violence and trauma, and I wanted to help everyone who was going through what I went through,” White said. “Once I realized I didn’t have to fight anymore, I decided to get to know myself.”
She grew up with an alcoholic father who was violent and abusive towards his family, and a physically violent mother.
While attending college and law school, White had an on-and-off relationship with her ex-fiance for 12 years. Over the years, she says, he manipulated her, threatened her and verbally abused her. After her engagement, she started going to therapy.
“I realized it was a repeat of relationships I’d had several times before,” she says. “It wasn’t a healthy thing, it was just a familiarity thing.”
But her ex-fiancé wasn’t the only one abusing her at the time. In 2019, when Ms. White was about to break up with her boyfriend, she realized that her best friend was also manipulative. When she learned that “something unethical” was happening, they cooperated. As a result, White had to involve the police.
“It really didn’t end well,” she says. “I ended the accident without any physical damage, so I thought that was a positive thing.”
Safely leave an abusive partner
Kiva Harper, a psychotherapist in Arlington, Texas, says safety is a big concern for people in abusive relationships. It’s not enough for her to just tell a woman to leave. It is important to take safety precautions and help the woman leave.
“Domestic violence is about power and control,” she says. “When they lose power and control, they become very desperate.”
according to the study“75 percent of women who are killed by their abusers are killed when they try to leave an abusive relationship or after they leave an abusive relationship.” Why Domestic Violence Emergency Shelters Exist One is to keep women safe during this dangerous time.
women are The probability is 70 times Killed within two weeks of departure. And on average, women break up with an abusive relationship seven times before leaving it for good.
Approximately 20 people in the United States are physically abused by an intimate partner every minute. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. That’s nearly 30,000 people in one day. That’s just over 200,000 people a week.
Whether you’re a family member, friend, or acquaintance of someone in an abusive relationship, it’s essential to help them find professional help, Harper says. “We see so many murder-suicides in the news because people have just left their homes.” We encourage you to have a safety plan.
The plan is for a woman or man in an abusive relationship to have a plan to stay safe if she decides to stay, another plan if she decides to leave, and to stay safe after she leaves. It may look like making plans for your time. Harper said each plan will vary by person and situation, and some people may need to evacuate to emergency shelters or anonymous locations.
This may also include obtaining a protection order, which usually provides more protection than a restraining order. In some states, if an abuser violates a nondisclosure order, he or she can be immediately arrested.
“We also have to respect that women and men in these abusive relationships know their partners better than we do,” Harper says. “If they say, ‘I’m going to be killed,’ and they choose to stay to protect themselves and their children…we need to know that helping someone doesn’t mean forcing them to leave. No. It’s about keeping them safe.”
Safety planning is self-care
When someone leaves an abusive relationship, there are things survivors can do to protect their mental health, Harper said. A big part of your safety plan includes self-care. Self-care is often touted as long baths, nature walks, and drinking water, but for victims of domestic violence, it’s much more than that.
Self-care includes empowerment, recognition, and support. Harper, who has nearly 20 years of experience treating Black women in abusive relationships, offers four pieces of advice.
- border
Set boundaries and limits with people who are not supportive in the moment. Make it a priority to protect your mental and emotional health. Learn how to eliminate toxic relationships.
- social media safety
Look at your digital footprint. Disable your social media accounts regularly. Use an incognito browser when using the Internet.
- mental health
Many clergymen still advise women to stay in relationships with abusive partners. Keep yourself safe and attend to your spiritual needs, even if your church doesn’t support it.
- intentionality
Be conscious about what you consume and what you put into your body. Take time to move your body. And prioritize rest. Being intentional means knowing where to get professional help.
healing is possible
Los Angeles mindset expert Chloe Panta knows what it’s like to recover from a domestic violence relationship. Initially, she did not tell anyone around her what was happening with her own relationship. This caused her to lose her support network.
“I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom,” Panta says. “I know what it’s like to get stuck in a rut that feels as if there’s no way out. Or you don’t know how to get out.”
At the time, she says, her self-esteem was low and she was embarrassed and embarrassed to reveal her struggles to those who loved her. But she knew she had to get out of there. One day she contacted her friend and told her that she could not only break up with her panta but also take control of her own life. Now, as a transformational coach, she helps others heal from the same traumas she experienced.
For Panta, self-care was at the bottom of the list. It didn’t exist. Her abusive ex-partner convinced her that she was not worthy or worthy of taking care of him, so she must break the cycle of putting others first. did.
“We don’t deserve abuse, hatred, and punishment,” she says.
After realizing how important self-care is to her mental health, she made it a top priority. Panta says many women don’t understand the price they pay when they don’t take care of themselves and improve themselves.
“We are entitled to love, abundance, and joy. We have to accept and embrace it in ourselves,” she says. “Now I romanticize my life by wearing perfume, dressing up every day, and getting a massage once a week. It makes me feel loved, beautiful, and self-centered. It shows that there are people who deserve it.”
Supporting victims of domestic violence
After overcoming years of abuse, White learned to prioritize her mental health. In doing so, she relied on her closest friends who supported her and did not bombard her with questions. What helped her recover was having people around her who didn’t blame her for her abuse.
“We couldn’t talk much,” White says of her breakup with her abusive fiance. “It was really just love and silence.”
In a bid to regain her power and control, the 35-year-old moved from Dallas to Barcelona. Before her move, she worked on her breathing exercises to reconnect with her own body. And now she’s actively prioritizing her own mental health and well-being.
“I had a chance to heal there,” she says. “Now I have the opportunity to grow from a different place. It’s like a second start. It feels really good.”
If you or someone you know is affected by intimate partner violence, please consider anonymously and confidentially calling the helpline below. National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).Chat with | Text START to 88788. There are people waiting 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to help you heal.
This article was originally published by Word In Black.
