Princeton University Press; Misha Cherry
Maisha Cherry calls for dignity for those who have been wronged in her book Failure to Forgive: What we do wrong and how we can improve, with a particular focus on Black women. The law declares that “ordering people to forgive is an attempt to subjugate the victim to our will and shows a lack of respect for the victim,” the Associate Professor of Philosophy at the University of California, Riverside, Emotion and Society Laboratory. She examines how society has attempted to force forgiveness on victims and recommends radical restorative practices as an alternative.
“Remediation is about solving the root of a particular problem. It’s about participating in a kind of collective action,” she explains to ESSENCE. It’s important to actually invest the time and resources. It’s not something to rush. It’s not something to be perfect.”
So why are people interested in forgiveness? She ultimately settled on her conclusion: “I’m thinking about making the world a better place. But we’ve been doing things in the wrong direction. People have the wrong idea about exactly what kind of repairs they should be aiming for, Cherry says. A lot of times we’re going to pretend something is resolved, but I think sometimes pretending or hiding things makes us feel better about the conflict. The reason that makes us feel so good may be because we’re afraid to do the actual work that’s needed.
Our culture prioritizes loud (and often insincere) apologies. The same goes for hasty acceptance. Failure of forgiveness cites several examples of this, objecting to the often public pressure on families of people killed by racists or police officers to accept an apology from their loved one’s killer. Their approach felt like they were putting all the blame on the victim.
Questions of forgiveness arise instantly before these people, often black women, mothers, widows, and sisters, begin to process their pain. They want racial reconciliation to happen, but they want the victims to do it, she says. It’s incomplete.” She believes true reconciliation comes from real dialogue. “The right way to think about repairs is to think about them in terms of how we all have a role to play, she added. They were going to fix it, but in a way it kind of exonerated them.”
She calls this approach an attempt at “superficial restoration” or “frugal restoration.” While police brutality is an extreme example, the need for fundamental repairs also applies to microaggressions, infidelity, and other common but serious crimes. Black women on the internet who are tasked with ‘educating’ someone they offend on the spot must feel pressured to accept attempts at frugal repair-style solutions. “Black women shoulder a lot. We shoulder a lot for our families. We’re hardwired to shoulder a lot for the world,” Cherry says. She rejects the idea that black women should value appearance over their well-being. “The stereotype of the strong black woman can be empowering, but it’s also disappearing because it seems to permit people to confuse us.” she says.
That includes our own families. We are so scared that we are willing to allow that abusive uncle to continue abusing people. So all we’re trying to do is ask the victims to be quiet during the family gathering.
She continued, “We just want to rush things out and get everything cleared up in the name of forgiveness. As humans, we don’t like bad endings. We don’t like happy endings. I think we’re very focused on the end aspect and we’re willing to do whatever it takes to get there.”
The desire to witness a happy ending can cause unintended emotional violence. We want this so much that we end up treating victims as pawns in a story to reach a happy ending, sometimes prioritizing that happy ending over the care, sensitivity, empathy, and compassion that should exist. They can be given away.
Providing patience and support to the harmed party can be the ultimate apology. If a party is reluctant to provide it, it may indicate a shallow commitment to reconciliation. If they aren’t willing to provide more than a “hey stranger” message, that’s not a good sign. Please expect more. It’s necessary.
Failure to forgive: What we do wrong and how to do better Now available wherever books are sold.
