This story is published in the February issue of ESSENCE1.
Black women have a troubling relationship with anger. Are we distancing ourselves from the harmful stereotype of the belligerent, head-shaking “sapphire” (born during America’s Jim Crow era), and the consequences of expressing legitimate grievances in the workplace? Whether we’re trying to avoid it or not, we’re good at “sucking it up.” “Rise” and “break through.” But being angry is our birthright, a right taken away from us during slavery, argues Patrice N. Douglas, a licensed psychologist.
“Anger is a natural response to certain provocations,” Douglas says. “But because we were seen as property and had no say in things, we didn’t have the privilege or permission to properly accept and express our emotions. And anger is very important to us as humans. It brings a lot of great things.”
Even now, when we express anger, it is filtered through the lens of the “angry black woman” stereotype, costing us professionally and personally, and in the most extreme cases, threatening our lives. I get into a situation. Recognizing these consequences, many Black women stop exploring their anger and instead lean toward “not being bothered.”
Cesari Bowen, author bad fat black girl has stated that this pop culture reaction is a “very cute diversion” rooted in parody. “Avoiding our anger has never existed as a true, authentic solution.” By “not caring” we are removing natural emotions that we had no safe way to express or a chance to understand. You can move away from it.
“For us, the avoidance had a little bit of satire in it, because we can’t deny all the things we have to be angry about,” Bowen added. “So we say, ‘Let’s avoid getting angry because there’s no room for it.'” In fact, we exist in a culture where anger is harmful. That’s part of the reason we run away from it. Because where does it go? But let’s just say we’re leaning towards it. What does it bring us? ”
Admit your anger
Before you can manage your anger, you must know how to identify it. Anger management psychotherapist Noreen Palmer says it starts with physiological symptoms. “It’s like a bolt of lightning hits your brain and your emotions kick in,” she says. “There’s something there that excites you. And if you don’t get that feeling, you can’t bring yourself back, and you only have a few seconds to do it,” says co-author Palmer. , Starting off: A guide to dealing with anger and stress for black womenphysical symptoms of anger include tightness in the chest, numbness in the face, and trembling in the hands.
After this physical reaction, there is a critical 30-minute period during which internal processing occurs, Douglas said. “Our nervous systems are constantly activated, so a big part of anger management for Black women is slowing down instead of jumping into action,” Douglas explains. “We’re always solution-oriented. We have to understand that, because life goes on — that’s what we’re conditioned to do.”
To get a healthier response, she recommends taking a “time out.” This can include strategies like deep breathing, meditation, slowing down your nervous system, or even just taking a moment to step away from others and tune into your emotions. “When you’re angry, eating a snack, watching TV, or taking a break can help,” she says. “Be careful not to get sleepy. Understand your feelings before you act.”
Listen to your anger
When Kaiya Pac’s husband died, she was furious. It pissed her off that he died, and it pissed her off that he left her with six children to take care of. In her grief counseling, she told her therapist the same thing. “She looked at me and said, ‘Well, you can’t be mad. You have to learn how to deal with it,'” Pac recalled. “That wasn’t what I needed to hear.”
The relationship between sadness and anger is common, Douglas says, because anger is often a secondary emotion. “The main emotion we feel may not be anger,” she explains, noting that we can also feel sad or embarrassed. “We really don’t know what else we’re feeling.”
Opened the pack looking for a way to deal with her primary emotion, sadness, and accompanying anger. break life, Houston’s first Black-owned therapeutic rage room for people to accept and release anger without repercussions. In addition to the smash room, she also offers painting therapy and a space where patrons can cry and scream without judgement. Since the space opened, she’s hosted everything from her divorce party to therapy sessions for children in foster care. “We see a range of emotions,” she says. “We see a lot of sadness. We go through a lot of breakups. [romantic] However, we are seeing many friendships break down. And the only way it will work for us is by understanding what emotions we experience and why. ”
As a way to overcome anger
Embracing anger doesn’t just go against the stereotype of the angry black woman. Donna S. Davenport’s The Functions of Anger and Forgiveness: Guidelines for Victim Psychotherapy (1991) and Susan M. Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy Practice: Creating Connection (2004) and other studies have shown that anger can be tolerated. It improves the quality of your relationships in a healthy way and is a form of self-care. From anxiety to depression, Douglas says, “Anger is linked to so many health disparities in our communities because we don’t harness it in the right way.” If we don’t communicate this properly, we will lose our lives. It’s scary to leave our anger in a society that equates it with violence, but we need to get to a place where we welcome the fullness of our humanity, including our anger. “Just saying it out loud and asserting ourselves, even when we know what we say means and it won’t change the situation, lowers our low self-esteem,” Douglas says. points out. “It makes us feel less depressed because we feel empowered within ourselves. That’s one of the biggest elements of the Black experience. We always feel empowered within ourselves. I want to feel strong and empowered within.”
