Set boundaries.
“There’s always more to do. I always feel like I’m letting people down.” This statement could have been said by almost all of my clients. Dirk is a VP of Engineering at a technology company. Or, Sheena is a surgeon at a major clinic and she has two young children at home. Or Jess, a fifth-year associate at a large law firm, is busy with client work and hopes to become a partner within the next three to four years. They all work long, demanding jobs and always feel like they’re not doing enough. When you say you need better boundaries, they respond with an irritated roll of their eyes as if to say, “I need better boundaries. “Yes, you’re right.” Like many workers, professionals and carers, they feel trapped by many obligations, none of which seem optional. Instead of being empowering, the idea of setting boundaries feels like just one more thing to do. There is one more thing they have failed at.
Maybe this sounds familiar. You’re overwhelmed, exhausted, and can barely keep it all together. But you feel unable to set boundaries because you’re afraid things will fall apart, your career will be damaged, or your relationships will be negatively affected. Masu. Perhaps you tried setting boundaries but it didn’t work. Boundaries may seem like a magical concept. It might be a good idea to wish for a Fairy Godmother.
The truth is, boundaries are difficult to set and maintain, and things don’t happen overnight. But they’re also essential for health and sustainability, say psychiatrists and authors. Pooja Lakshmin to call true self care. In her excellent and easy-to-read writing, book. Lakshmin believes that true self-care is I’m not talking about easy bubble baths or yoga retreats. The Black Feminist Roots of Self-Care, rejecting the current fad of commodified “fake self-care.” Instead, her approach to self-care is one of consistent practice rather than escape.True self-care requires being grounded in yourself.
Boundaries are limits we set to protect our property, time, or emotional, mental, or physical health. When boundaries are clearly drawn and respected, they create space for us to act in relation to others and meet our own needs. Sadly, many people don’t set boundaries and keep pushing themselves until their body sets them. You can throw your hips out, get pneumonia, hit a physical wall, or have a breakdown. But you don’t have to fall for attention. So here are some hard truths about boundaries.
Boundaries come at a cost. Saying “no” to a request or setting limits usually involves disappointing someone or not meeting their expectations. Depending on the nature of the relationship (supervisor, co-worker, spouse, family, friend), setting boundaries can have consequences and costs. You may feel guilty. Bosses and colleagues may express disappointment or anger. Someone you care about may get hurt. Setting boundaries requires being willing to face this initial reaction, tolerate the guilt, and work through it to get to a better place. be patient. Allow others to struggle a little to fill the gap (after all, you’re probably doing your part to struggle for others!) If you’re a manager, your Your direct reports may be used to you solving problems for them, and they may struggle at first. Resist the urge to immediately go back and fix things and try coaching instead. Boundaries have an initial cost, but they always pay for themselves.
Power and status influence the ability to set limits. In some situations, your authority to set boundaries may be very limited. If you are in a very junior role, have caring responsibilities, or belong to a marginalized group, it may be very difficult or impossible to set meaningful boundaries. , it will almost certainly feel dangerous. But you can still do something. Start small. When Lakshmin was fresh out of residency (where she was expected to carry a pager and answer the page immediately when it rang), she learned that she could send her calls to voicemail and listen to her messages. Talk about a moment when you felt empowered. This boundary gave her space, a pause to reflect, consider the request, and choose a response. First, see if she can identify her zone of control and create space. Make sure she takes three deep breaths between calls or asks for help rather than shouldering the task alone. She sets mental boundaries like this:I’m not going to think about it or worry about it right now. ” Rest opportunistically whenever possible. In the words of Nap Ministry founder Tricia Hershey:Rest is resistance.”
No one gives you permission or approval. If your co-workers, friends, and family are used to you always being there and saying “yes” to your requests, they may be surprised, confused, or even embarrassed when you set boundaries or say “no.” may be angry. Don’t expect the coworker you asked to fill in for you to be happy when you say no. Or stay calm when your sibling asks for help managing their parents’ health insurance claims. Like it or not, you have allowed them to become dependent on you. When setting boundaries, be prepared for stages of discomfort, conflict, and imbalance. Maybe you’re worried that setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs is (or appears to be) “selfish.” It’s up to you to control your own guilt (stay strong!) and deal with any conflicts that may arise as a result. By grounding yourself in your values, you may be able to overcome worries that you are being selfish.And don’t over-explain–That only gives the other party material to argue against.
You have to drop some balls. When you’re juggling an overwhelming number of tasks, obligations, and projects, setting boundaries means letting go of some things. Lakshmin advises that the key is to figure out which balls are made of glass, which will shatter irreparably if dropped, and which ones are made of rubber, which bounces. (bestselling author Nora Roberts is often credited Some say it’s glass and some say it’s plastic, but I prefer the rubber ball analogy. ) Under stress, it can feel like everything has the same importance. Everything is glass. Step back and take inventory of your duties to identify important tasks and less important tasks that can be deleted or passed on to someone else. Seek your manager’s advice on prioritizing. Make conscious choices and communicate which balls you drop so others are not surprised.
You can be your own worst enemy (but you can also be your own greatest ally). Often the reason we fail to set boundaries is because we don’t want to be the one to say “no.” Perhaps we all have a cherished identity or self-image as a “go-to” person, a hero. Perhaps we have deep feelings of unworthiness and are constantly striving to prove that we are good enough. If you have a severe reluctance to say “no” or feel panic at the thought of disappointing someone, this is a symptom described by Harvard professors and researchers Bob Keegan and Lisa Lahey. Let’s think about whether you are falling into this situation. Doing the exact opposite of the behavior change you want. Their “Immunity to Change” framework helps identify these commitments and the assumptions that drive them.
Another way we work against our own best interests is by becoming overactive. Most people have an inner monologue. Thoughts that are constantly flowing throughout the day, and one study It turns out that women criticize themselves on average eight times a day. When your self-talk becomes negative or self-critical, it can be difficult to stick to yourself and take care of yourself. But it is possible to develop a more encouraging and compassionate inner voice, like the one you use with your friends. Instead of an internal drill sergeant yelling at you, “Try harder! You are never enough!“Cultivate your inner ally to encourage you.”You have this. you are enoughbreathe”
Start somewhere. Burnout is on the rise. Many recognize that real solutions need to come at an organizational and cultural level. However, because the pace of systemic change is slow, much of the responsibility for preventing burnout falls on individuals. Still, change has to start somewhere, and a movement starts with a few individuals as a black feminist poet. Written by Audra Lorde“Taking care of yourself is not self-satisfaction, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
