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The adage “it takes a village” to intentionally raise children is true. But how do we, as parents and caregivers, tap into our support systems when they are raising our children in unfamiliar or new-age ways?
A quick scan of the parenting side of things on Instagram reveals that gentle parenting has firmly established itself as the most important style of Millennial and current Gen Z parents. Accounts dedicated to educating the public about the benefits and challenges of so-called intentional parenting have proliferated in recent years. For Black mothers and fathers who believe in this approach, this form of parenthood is an opportunity to give their children a freedom and softness that many of us were not afforded, a chance to embrace their inner child. It’s also an opportunity to give yourself space to feel like you belong. , I’m honored to hear that. Including our broader community in our efforts to create an environment modeled on love, mutual respect, and safety is not always an easy task. That’s because not everyone, especially older people, knows or understands what gentle parenting is, and some believe the style is too hands-off. is.
“The number one myth I hear about gentle parenting is that there is no discipline, and that’s just not true,” says Destiny Ann, a certified parenting coach and mother of two. say. -Earth, advice you can relate to. “Discipline means teaching, and through my coaching work with parents, I try to teach them that discipline comes from leadership,” she continues. “It doesn’t have to be a power struggle.” Children respond to routine and balance in the home. And Anne explains that too often there is a value mismatch between what is expected of children and what they see at home. For success. Quickly figure out what your values for a happy, healthy home actually are. ”
Value alignment is also important in how you invite your circle to engage in gentle parenting practices. Try to understand other people’s perspectives, suggests Trina Green-Brown, founder of Parenting for Liberation, a virtual community that uplifts Black mothers and fathers. “Ask them how they understand and interpret gentle parenting,” she says. “Ask them what kind of parenting style they feel suits them best and why. Try to understand what their beliefs and values are so you can unpack them together.” must be.”
When it comes to gentle parenting, practicing what you preach is also a key ingredient to success among adults. “If gentle parenting means treating children kindly, supporting them through hard times and big emotions, and creating healthy boundaries, then we can do the same in our village. You have to practice,” Brown says. “When adults in our community don’t understand or are hesitant, we have to meet them where they are. We don’t force or make demands on people. We can’t because we’re not actually aligned with our own values.”
In my own experience as a relatively young mother, I was initially drawn to gentle parenting. That’s because it reflected the type of person I wanted to be: patient, understanding, flexible, and someone who holds and enforces healthy and reasonable boundaries. Applying that to how I raised my son seemed like the next logical step. My husband and I agreed that the starting point was to always let our son know that he is loved and safe with us. Furthermore, we must ensure that those around us, and those around my son, agree to uphold the same values. Thankfully, we are lucky to have experienced very little backlash. In describing my kind and intentional parenting to my parents, I expressed that this was in no way an indictment of how they raised me. In fact, my childhood was peaceful and full of longing. So my approach was to build on the foundation they laid, while also leveraging the privileges and resources my husband and I had that they might not have had.
“Many of our parents and grandparents were shaped by difficult circumstances,” says Anne. “People do the best they can. And in some cases, the easiest way to deal with it was to spank them, or send the kids to a room, or scream. It was quick, It was seemingly effective. In contrast, gentle parenting is an ongoing conversation with yourself and your child: “What are you really feeling in this difficult moment?” Are you feeling it? How can we keep each other safe now? ‘It’s not always easy. This is rewiring our brains. ”
So how can parents ensure that the community around their children maintains the same level of safety, mutual respect, and conditions? Anne says that forcing people to do things the way we do them You can’t, but you’re acknowledging that exposing your child to a different environment won’t undo all the hard work you’ve done. “We have to build resilience in our children,” she says. “We have to teach our children how to self-regulate when mom or dad is not around. Most importantly, we need to quickly understand what is non-negotiable for our children. Are you in a household where you don’t spank? No screaming? Make those things as clear as possible and decide the consequences for breaking those boundaries.”
Perhaps just as importantly, Brown points out that as you invite your community into your intentional parenting practices, you also need to be willing to learn. We will cooperate in good faith. Be vulnerable with people. Share how you don’t necessarily think you’re doing everything right. Share that you are also open to learning from them. ”
Raising children requires curiosity about your children and the endless ways they develop and the endless ways you, as a parent, can learn and unlearn. Ann views parenting as leadership. “And the best leadership happens in parallel.”
As bell hooks writes in her excellent book All About Love, “When we love our children, we recognize that they are not property, that they have rights; You acknowledge by your very actions that you respect and support rights.” Fuchs described this as “emancipatory parenting.” And maybe that’s actually what’s at the core of gentle parenting for Black parents and caregivers and what’s at stake: liberation. Brown agrees, and encourages villages to adopt gentle parenting by simply having them demonstrate it.
“If children understand how you interact with them as a human being, you can understand how they are attracted to you, how they listen to you, and what reactions you get. you’ll see,” she says. “Then they will discover their own potential. By ensuring young people feel loved and supported, we can heal generations before and after. Involving our villages and communities will ensure that this healing effort is strong and resilient enough not only for our children, but also for our children’s children.”
