How to raise a child and grieve as a Black American at the same time – SheKnows

A few years ago, a young black woman (we’ll call her Dana) came into my office with an appointment to address her symptoms of grief due to the sudden death of her mother. She spent an hour talking about the depth of her grief, the physical impact of the loss, and the toll her mother’s death had taken on her marriage.And while each of these issues concerns her deeply, Dana’s most pressing When she told me more about her children, her question to me was: Harris, how do you parent and grieve at the same time? ”

Unfortunately, Danna is not alone. Almost 60 percent of the population has experienced the death of a loved one in the past three years. Among Black Americans, health inequalities contribute to even higher rates of loss. Furthermore, this data can not see Along with the losses that grieving people experience—loss of wages, employment, family roles, social connections, etc.—Black parents also face additional burdens—namely, being the providers and providers for their children. Individuals navigating life after loss involve juggling the seemingly contradictory roles of caregiver and grieving person. Coping with the unpredictable ebbs and flows of grief alongside never-ending parental duties is understandably a challenge. very challenge.

Along with Dana and others, I have been thinking about the importance of prioritizing grief processing and self-care, especially focusing on practical, manageable coping tools to promote health and well-being. . Within Black communities, this is an even more serious charge, as it relates to health care access issues, the effects of intergenerational trauma, the prevalence of structural racism and discrimination, and the stigma associated with receiving mental health services. I am.

I would argue that Black parents don’t have to be “strong” when grieving.they should saw.

This starts with creating space to look at yourself and acknowledge the depth of your pain. Experiencing symptoms of grief, whether emotional, physical, or mental, is normal and expected when faced with loss. On the contrary, trying to avoid the serious effects of a loss as a means of “saving face” or “just moving on” can cause a number of physical and psychological effects. This, in turn, may not only prolong the suffering of black parents, but also make it difficult for parents to properly recognize and address their problems. children `s pain.

“Black parents don’t have to be ‘strong’ when they’re grieving. They need to be seen.”

Whether in the community or one-on-one with a caring support person, it is essential for grieving parents to intentionally prioritize their own needs. Audre Lorde’s declaration of “compassion” [oneself] It is not selfish,” but on the contrary, a reflection of “self-preservation…and political warfare” forms the basis of grieving parents. If parents do not take intentional steps to protect their health, they will not be able to be present and adequately care for their children. the study We support the important nature of radical self-care and its role among parents facing overlapping stresses, including racial stress and grief.

Ways Black parents can take care of themselves include seeking professional grief support, partnering with trusted spiritual advisors, leaning more into their faith practices, connecting with what brings them joy, and developing healthier personal relationships. These include establishing boundaries. Of course, focusing on quality health decisions, taking time for physical activity, and getting rest can also help promote stability in your grief journey.

Once upon a time, Black parents embraced the idea that self-care is about yourself, not a luxury. necessitysteps can then be taken to foster healthy communication with children who have faced loss.

Grieving parents often express concern about sharing their thoughts and feelings with their children, worried that it will cause emotional upset or dysregulation. Nevertheless, the opposite is often true. When parents begin to share their own perspectives and reactions to loss in a vulnerable and open manner, children are usually less emotionally isolated. As parents now allow their children to grieve openly, the “island of sadness” no longer permeates the home environment. Of course, parent-child conversations must be conducted in a developmentally appropriate manner and in a way that does not overly burden the child.

Last, but certainly not least, it is essential to accept help from others.

Rooted in modern fears and historical difficulties with trust, some Black parents find this concept foreign or burdensome to family, friends, and community members. But the ability to truly engage in community and embrace communal perspectives when it comes to parenting is actually culturally ingrained. For example, the saying “It takes a village to raise a child” has its roots in Africa and conveys the reality that children need touchpoints with others throughout their lives to build and nurture safety and security. I am. In other words, black parents don’t have to raise their children alone.Plus, they definitely don’t have to be parents and grieve alone.

During your grief journey, evaluate: access Community resources that can ease the burden on Black parents. In the words of Desmond Tutu, “My humanity is tied to your humanity, because together we can only be human.” It provides a fond memory for black parents.

Grief is an inescapable equalizer, a bond that unites naked and vulnerable humanity.

Working through grief can be difficult and exhausting, even on the best of days. Raising children is much the same.sorrow and Parenting brings additional complexities and inevitably forces black parents to pivot again. And while the shift can be challenging and exhausting, it also offers the potential to support parents facing seemingly competing roles.

“How can I be a parent and grieve at the same time?” my husband asked that day.

My answer is “one step at a time with compassion.”

“Will it be perfect?” she added.

“Absolutely not,” I said. “But that is intention it’s enough. “

With grief as a lifelong companion, the more Black parents are equipped with practical tools to help themselves, the more likely they are to experience a healthy ripple effect with their children.

Grief can be isolating, but you are not alone. Read our favorite quotes about dealing with and living with grief.